Harry Potter the Hands of Fate
by God-Emperor1142
Summary: The Dursleys go for a drive... AN:This is crack just pure uncut crack.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter the Hands of Fate

I don't own Harry Potter brah.

The date was July eighth of 1990, and also the second day of the Dursley family's yearly holiday, but this year since they were traveling across America, they had to take HIM. HE had many names, the most common being Boy, but we know him as Harry Potter. But little did they know, this trip would be really bori- uh I mean scary.

A convertable filled to bursting with a very large man, a very large child, a thin horse woman, and a thin malnourished child drives on a country road as annoying music plays in the backround. The large man is looking for where they'll be staying that night, a place called Valley Loogie. You see just the week before the large man, named Vernon had gotten a raise from his boss at work, and it was all because of a conversation he had with his father.

[Flashback]

"Young fellas today won't work the way we did eleven years ago!" Vernon said passionatly. "Maybe not son." his father Jiminy said wisely. "And then again maybe they're working harder than you think." Vernon's father said. "You probably thought you were a pretty good man when you first started in this business. And you probably were, but you owe a lot of your success to the way Harry Carpenter worked with you." Jiminy added. "He use to tell me about the mistakes you made, you may not have known it but you really served an apprenticeship." "Work, Booze, Work, Booze." Vernon thought idly. "Remember how closely he worked with you the first year, he used to tell me about it." Jiminy chuckled. "He ripped you a new one every day." Jiminy said. "Yeah I remember how he used to talk to me about my prospects. And how I use to handle some of them." Vernon said. "But you know I always thought that was because he knew you so well. Maybe he had more of a personal intrest in me." Venon said suddenly looking up. "Nonsence, he hated you." his father replied. Jiminy suddenbly started waving his hand around by his head, "AH flying elves are back!" his father yelled. "I'm begining to sober up and you're scaring me!" Vernon said.

[Flashback End]


	2. Chapter 2

Harry Potter the Hands of Fate

Chapter Two

I don't own Harry Potter brah

"Ah, such a wise man." Vernon thought smiling. A sudden police siren cut off his thoughts, he pulled over and a cop walked up to the car. "You have any idea how you were framin' back there?" the officer said. He was about to say something else but a beat up black and white police car followed by no less than fifty Illinois state patrol cars followed by two ford station wagons and an RV with the words Good Ol' Boys on it sped by. The officer seemed compelled to follow, and forgot all about them.

A little while later, they were driving along again. "Look pet, it's them blue Kentucky hills of Tennessee." Vernon said pointing out the window. Vernon noticed that they were running out of gas so he stopped at a gas station. Vernon went in and immediately noticed a middle-aged man wearing a disturbingly short pair of shorts. "We're looking for the Boggy Creek Creature." the man said, everyone in the room suddenly looked up. But then, "I married her!" One man laughed. "Uh I-I need a few gallons of petrol." Vernon said, confusion marring his tone. "You want that on your clan account?" The cashier asked. "I d-don't have one." Vernon timidly said. He paid and quickly got back into the car.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry Potter the Hands of Fate

Chapter Three

I don't own Harry Potter brah

[Harry Interlude]

Harry looked at the trees flying by as he sat in his uncle's rented car. He turned his head to look at Dudley, "Fat pig." he thought. "Kill him Harry." Kevin, the Irishman in his head said. "No Kevin, I need him for what you said happens when I'm fifteen." "Oh yeah, but Harry what'll happen in a year?" He asked. "I'll go to Hogwarts." Harry whispered. "Just think, you can meet Mushface from Hufflepuff, Hagrid, and everyone else I told you about! Now Harry what are the four rules of going to Hogwarts?" "Don't let Snape cough at you." "Good." "Stay away from the pear trees." "Right." "Stay away from Percy while he's studying." "Awesome." "And don't become exhausted after doing nothing." "Righto."

[Harry Interlude End]

*An hour later*

Later on their car started making strange noises, Vernon looked at the gas gauge and somehow they were almost out of gas. "Look Vernon, a house, maybe we should see if they know of a gas station nearby." Petunia said. Vernon pulled up and all four family members got out. They walked up on the porch and to the door but before Vernon could knock on the door, it creaked open. "M-maybe it's a mechanical door." Vernon stuttered out. The four member party shuffled in and immediately noticed how dirty and old it was. Vernon suddenly turned around and said "Alright gang let's split up and search for gas, Shagg- I mean Harry you go with Scoob-uh Dudley."

*A few minutes later*

"Dud everytime we split up, it's like I'm stuck with you, now take care of those chattering teeth." Harry said while creeping along a random hallway. Dudley held his jaw shut. "Okay, you search that room and I'll search this one." Dudley opened the door and standing there was a transparent man. "UHHHH." he said. Dudley quickly slammed the door and jumped into Harry's arms while making scared noises and pointing at the door. "A ghost?" "You saw a ghost?" Harry asked. Harry gulped has he slowly opened the door, there was nothing there. "Dud this is like no time to be joking around, now search the room will ya?" Dudley laughed nervously and opened the door. "UHHHH." "Zoinks!" Harry screamed. "It's a g-g-g-ghost!" Harry and Dudley screamed and ran back down the hall, the ghost following close behind.

(Instrumental)

Harry and Scooby run down the stairs at breakneck speeds.

(Yesterday I got to dreamin')

Scooting around a corner they fall into a cart and go careening down another hall.

(About a recipe for my love)

Shaggy and Dudley look behind them and see the ghost in another cart right behind them.

(Took all the things I was feeling')

Both carts go through a pitch black section and suddenly Harry is in the ghost's cart. Another dark section later and Harry is back in his cart.

(Things around there's just not enough of)

The cart goes crashing into a closet. The ghost's following, Harry rushes out with Dudley and locks the door with the ghost inside.

(I tried and tried to find out the secret for my recipe. But all these things couldn't make up my Baby. And what my baby means to me.)

A hand crashes through the door and opens it. Harry and Dudley go through a doorway, the ghost following. The three come out a door further down, but the ghost is in front.

(Instrumental)

Harry and Dudley trip and crash through a window, they land in a boat. Dudley looks behind them and the ghost is there in another boat. They jump out and swim to the beach. They then start running again.

(I took a cup full of sunshine, added a touch of the rainbow. Sprinkled happiness around it and a little bit from a song that I know.)

Theres a split in the hallways, Harry goes one way and Dudley goes the other.

(One smile and a whole lot of lovin' in my recipe. But all that couldn't make up my baby and what my baby means to me.)

Harry runs along his hallway, turning his head he sees that the ghost isn't behind him.

(Yes I've done a whole lot of dreamin'. But it's no fun when things ain't what they seemin'. I love my baby and my baby loves me. Then why can't I find my recipe…)

Dudley runs along the hall, turns around, sees the ghost behind him, trips, falls in a barrel, and starts rolling down some nearby stairs.

(Oh, painted me a face like Mona Lisa. Put some magic in the smile. Used all the colors of the rainbow. Artists 'round the world started copyin' my style.)

Harry crashes into Dudle the barrel, ends up on top of it, and starts running in place from the ghost, while knowingly rolling Dudley the barrel away from the ghost.

(But it still didn't look like my baby. And what she means to me.)

Harry on top of Dudley the barrel roll down a staircase, through the front door, and into a nearby pond. Harry falls face first into the pond while Dudley the no longer barrel breaks his shell, and his head, on a rock.

(I guess I'll never find the secret to my recipe...)

Chapter End

AN: Okay here's another chapter. Please review, tell me what ya think. The song is Recipe for My Love by Austin Roberts, you can listen on YouTube. Couldn't find it anywhere else


	4. Chapter 4

Harry Potter the Hands of Fate

Chapter Four

I don't own Harry Potter brah.

"I think we lost him dud." Harry said, breathing heavily. "Where were you BOY!". Harry looked up, Vernon was there, holding a gas can. "We found gas ages ago!"

*Ten minutes later*

And again they were driving, annoying music playing, but this time, they were in a forest. "Jeez this fog is not going away." Vernon grumbled. "Look Vernon, a house. Let's ask if we can spend the night." Petunia said. "Okay okay." Vernon said, getting out of the car. He knocked on the door. "Whatta ya want!" an old man grumbled. "My family and I are lost, could you find it in your heart to let us spend the night." "No!" the man yelled. "Oh come on ed just let them spend one night." a female voice said from within the house. "Oh okay." the man said. "Your kids can stay in my nephews room."

[Harry Interlude]

Harry quietly walked to the weird old man's nephew's room. He opened the door. "Hello, you're the new kid right?" A red-headed kid said in a weird british accent. "Why do you have a british accent?" Harry asked. "This is my mommy." the kid said, holding up a badly drawn picture. "Uh!" Harry said in alarm. "You want to meet trumpy?" the kid asked. "What the hell are you talking abou- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING!"

To Be Continued

Another chapter for ya, Thanks for reviewing.


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